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3 Assumptions about the 5 Love Languages that can cause more harm than good. @mrslotanner #lacedwithpurposeIs the 5 Love Languages really all it's cracked up to be? Here are 3 reasons why NOT. @mrslotanner #lacedwithpurposeAre you quick to make these assumptions about how Love Languages will affect your marriage? Let's set the record straight! @mrslotanner #lacedwithpurpose

3 Myths About the 5 Love Languages

+ the Truths to Replace Them With

The 5 Love Languages is a great tool for anyone looking for an effective way to show their spouse that they’re loved in the way they best receive love. Unfortunately, there are a lot of misconceptions about the 5 Love Languages that keep people from using the tool effectively.  We’re going to uncover three of those myths right now. And by the end of this post, you will not only be able to identify those myths, but you’ll have solid truths to replace them with; equipping you with the understanding you need to make the 5 Love Languages effective in your marriage.

3 Love Language Myths you've probably fallen for and the not so obvious truths you should replace them with. Based on the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. @mrslotanner

3 Love Languages Myths You’ve Fallen For & The Simple Truths to Replace Them With

MYTH #1 – You Can Only Have One Love Language

A lot of us are lead to believe that we only have one love language, only one path of communication that makes us feel loved. That, my friend, is false.

The TRUTH is each and every one of us has more than one Love Language. In fact, we have five. The thing that you have to pay attention is which language your spouse is touched by the most. This truth can be illustrated best by this story. I’m sure you’ve heard it before.

A professor is standing in front of his class with a glass jar on the table in front of him. He takes a bag of rocks from the table in front of him and fills it with the rocks. The professor then looks up and ask his class, “Is the jar full?”. The students answer, “yes.” Next, the professor pours some pebbles into the jar and asks his class the same thing. Again they answer, “yes.” The professor repeats this pattern again pouring gravel into the jar followed by sand, and then water. Each time he asks if the jar is full the class respond, “yes.” But to there amazement, the Professor continued to add elements to the jar until the water took up the last of the room.


The concept is that you can fill your spouse’s jar (or love tank as Gary Chapman refers to them) through various displays of love, but there are some actions that are going to speak volumes (these typically point to your primary love language) and others that are going to only whisper. You may not notice them as much, but is there still room for them in your love tank? Yes! Do you still look for those “pebbles” or grains of sand at different times in your relationship? Yes! Don’t limit yourself by thinking that your spouse’s primary love language is the only one that matters. It’s not.

You have 5 Love Languages and it’s up to you to prioritize how you use them. And the way that you use them is determined by how your spouse best receives love. 

MYTH #2 – Your Primary Love Language Is the One You Should Be Best At Giving

I’m going to put myself on the spot here and share a little something about me. My top two love languages are Quality Time and Acts of Service. I really enjoy spending time with other people and I seriously appreciate when people take the time to lend me a helping hand. BUT when it comes to me giving those same things to others, it’s not always easy for me. Especially when it comes to Acts of Service. I don’t always have the desire to do those things for other people. It sounds selfish (and maybe it is) but often times I am so overwhelmed with all that is on my plate, it really stresses me out to take on tasks that are on other peoples plates. I have to be super intentional about loving people in that way even though that’s one of the top ways that I recognize love.

The TRUTH is that just because a certain love language speaks volumes to you, doesn’t mean that you are going to be great, or perfect, or know how to extend love in that same language to somebody else. The same goes for your spouse. If your husband’s primary love language is physical touch, that doesn’t mean that he’s mastered that love language in any sense of the word. He may not know how to give in that area at all. It simply means he feels loved when you use physical touch to show you love him. Sometimes the things that speak the most to us are things that we aren’t great at giving and involve skills we haven’t yet mastered. That is part of the reason we appreciate those things as much as we do.

MYTH #3 – Speaking Your Spouse’s Love Language Will Fix Your Marriage Relationship

I can’t tell you how many people I know who have jumped into reading and applying the 5 Love Languages in hopes of magically fixing their marriage. Can I be honest? When I first started applying the principles of the love language to my marriage I got frustrated fairly quickly. I felt like I was giving my all and putting my best efforts into speaking these languages effectively, and it just wasn’t being reciprocated.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

The TRUTH is… it takes both the husband and the wife actively applying these principles to get to that super awesome, well communicated, fun, positive, productive, LASTING marriage. It takes two. One person can’t hold it together all the time. One person can’t always be the one giving. So while you’re doing these things; while you’re serving your husband, speaking his love languages, and giving in that way; also be praying. Sometimes it takes a change of heart for other people to be able to give in the same ways that you are.


The love languages aren’t about us getting the love that we want and building the perfect marriage. The love languages are about you expressing love to your husband in the way that he best receives it. It has nothing to do with what you get back.

You can be doing a stellar job speaking the love languages and still witness the same problems that you experience before. The difference and the thing that so powerful is the heart in you that changes. I’ve noticed that when I take the time to humble myself and position myself to be able to love my husband using these love languages in the way that he best receives – God’s done a huge work in my heart. And the more He works in my heart the more I’m able to extend that same grace and that love that God’s given me to my husband. And that is what changes people. That love that you’re extending.

What Should You Expect When Using the 5 Love Languages?

My advice to you – don’t walk into the 5 Love Languages expecting all your marriage problems to go away. Do walk into the 5 Love Languages expecting that God’s going to do an awesome work in you. The evidence of that is going to be in your actions. Those actions and that love have the ability to change people. We just need to make sure that we’re in alignment with God and that our heart is in the right place when we put them into effect. They are not magic. We aren’t trying to manipulate with them. These are some of the greatest ways that you can humble yourself as a wife. This is how we make sure our actions are speaking in agreement with your words.

Recommended Marriage Resources:

The Love DareKeep Your Love On: Connection Communication And BoundariesHis Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage



5 thoughts on “3 Love Languages Myths + The Truths to Replace Them”

  1. I have never read any of the Love Languages books, but I could definitely see how these myths could be detrimental to it’s message. Thanks for shining a light and sharing the truth.

  2. These are some GREAT points! Especially the one about speaking your spouse’s language will fix your marriage. That can be a very dangerous mis-conception. This is a great post!

    1. Thanks so much, Megan! 🙂 I love sharing marriage resources, but I also think its important to be upfront about what to expect. We need to have healthy expectations.

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