How to Set Spiritual Boundaries In Dating Relationships

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Are you ready to learn the most important pieces of how to set spiritual boundaries in dating relationships?

Boundaries in relationships tend to be a controversial topic even among Christians. Somewhere between the church’s idea of modesty, the mess of purity culture, and the rise of feminism we’ve lost the actual purpose of setting spiritual boundaries in relationships. Most conversations about boundaries are limited to protecting sex for marriage. We’ll talk about that here, but we aren’t going to stop there. We’re going to talk about the different types of boundaries to set in a relationship, how to set up spiritual boundaries in a relationship, and what to do when boundaries are crossed in a relationship.

This isn’t just about sex, modesty, or purity.

Biblical boundaries in relationships are a source of protection and preservation. That statement probably sparked a billion questions in your mind. Hang in there.

Why Spiritual Boundaries Matter

The simple truth of it is this; your soul, your heart; you as a being are worth protecting. When God sets boundaries throughout scripture it’s not because He’s on a power trip or He wants to ruin your fun. It’s because He knows that what happens when we pursue life, relationships, happiness, etc. outside of Him. We were created for life long relationship with God.

Think back to the garden of Eden. That’s the type of relationship God intended for us to have with Him. A relationship where we walk and talk and dwell together in a beautiful, perfect, and intimate space. God raised us up in the ways of righteousness. Our relationship with Him is what sustained our lives. When Adam and Eve ate the apple and stepped outside of God’s design for life, that’s when this tension between right and wrong came into play.

Throughout scripture, boundaries are God’s way of helping His people make life-giving choices. Boundaries in relationships help us priorities God’s way above our own ways. They are barriers that come between us and the temptation to chase the things that separate us from God.

There are 4 types of boundaries we should be consistently addressing as we move throughout our teen, young adult, and adult years.

1. Spiritual Boundaries
2. Relational Boundaries
3. Emotional Boundaries
4. Physical Boundaries

How we discuss and implement each of these boundaries will likely change as we mature. What won’t change is the foundation they are set on; Christ. God created boundaries with both your heart and His in mind. They are meant to protect us, but they can only protect us if we actually use them as God designed. So before you enter into a dating relationship it’s important that you know what your boundaries are, where you need to stand firm, and where you can compromise.

How to Set Spiritual Boundaries In A Relationship

So listen, I know it’s almost impossible to restrict ourselves to only Christian friendships. And as a point of influence for God’s kingdom, we would never want to do that anyway. But when it comes to dating and getting romantically involved with someone, the standard is different.

Whoever the lucky man you’re getting to know is, He needs to be a Christian. He needs to be on the same page as you when it comes to his relationship with God. A marriage that is not rooted in Christ is lacking. It is a marriage less than what God designed it to be. That doesn’t mean it can’t be a good marriage; it does mean you’re missing out on the fullness of God’s design for marriage.

The love we share in our marriage is intended to be a reflection of the love that God has for us. That’s why when we read in the Bible about God’s relationship with the church (aka Christ-followers) we are referred to as the Bride and God as the Bridegroom. That’s about as intimate a love there can ever be and God uses it to set the pace for our marriage relationships. He wants us to love in that same manner (see Ephesians 5:22-33).

Our choice to protect and honor our relationship with God will be the root of every decision we make both individually and as a married couple. From your expectations of each other as husband and wife to every form of intimacy (sexual, physical, spiritual, and so on), to finances, parenting and discipline, friendships and family relationships, and even on to things like your career and education, goals and ambitions.

This is not a standard we should be willing to compromise. Biblical relationship boundaries keep us moving towards God. We want to yoke ourselves to a spouse who is going to pursue a relationship with God with the same tenacity that we are.

God gives us that instruction in 2 Corinthians 6:14,

“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”

We want to yoke ourselves to a spouse who is going to move towards God with the same tenacity that we are. Share on X

List of Spiritual Boundaries

One of the wisest choices you will make in your life is choosing to be with someone who is going to lead you, encourage you, and walk willingly with you in whichever direction God leads them in. You can eliminate a world of hurt and future conflict by setting boundaries that make Jesus the foundation you build your relationships on.

BOUNDARY: I choose to honor God by inviting Him to be the foundation of this relationship. We will be a couple rooted in Christ and therefore, will live lives that honor Him and will choose to always be a chord of 3 (see Ecclesiastes 4:12).

• I aim to honor what God honors and hate what God hates.
• I will not compromise my values or convictions to appease anyone.
• I have no interest in trying new religions or adding other religious practices to my relationship with God. He is sufficient.
• I will not attach myself to anyone who worships in a way that dishonors God.

Relationship Boundaries: Knowing Who To Keep Close

The first piece of advice I would give young women about dating relationships is to place God first. God should be the foundation of our relationships. He should be the glue.

The second piece of advice I would give women about dating is to keep your friends close. There’s safety in numbers. And I don’t mean that simply in the context of group dates or outings (although it certainly can apply there). This can be applied to your day to day relationships too.

A common mistake young people make when they begin to date is walking themselves into isolation. They slowly begin gravitating towards this new person of interest and in the midst of all the newness and excitement they don’t even realize that they have drifted away from other, more important relationships in their lives.

Have you ever heard the song, “Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold. Silver shines, and gold does too. Keep them both and they will shine for you?”

We used to sing it weekly in our elementary school music class. It’s cheesy, yes; but there’s a good message in there. God created us for relationships not just with him but with others too. I think back to the verse we were talking about earlier,

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12

Sometimes it sounds like the perfect life, ya know? You and him against the world. But that is not the way God intended it to be. The two of you will need other people; both as a couple and as individuals, to be a part of your life. Even in marriage, this is true. I don’t know even one couple who has succeeded in marriage by isolating themselves. They all have someone aside from their spouse speaking into their lives and praying on their behalves. You will need that too.

There are some relationships that you need intact and well-nourished, and available to you as you grow; and especially while waiting for and building a relationship with the man you hope to marry. Let’s talk about some of them and why they are so important to keep around.

3 Relationships You Should Be Quick to Keep

1. Parent Figures (and other family members). This is especially for those of you on the younger side of the spectrum. It wasn’t too long ago that I found myself graduating from high school and entering the world of adulthood. I remember moving into the college dorms and thinking, “I’m an adult now. I don’t need to deal with my parent’s opinions and I certainly don’t have to stick with their standards.” And although, as a legal adult, those things may be true; there is a world full of wisdom and knowledge that parents can add to our lives.

In most cases, it’ll be your parents who care for and love you most; no matter what stupid decisions you make. Their attempt to guide you is a reflection of their heart for you. A parent’s love is unlike any other.

I still find myself going to my mom for encouragement, wisdom, and support in all different areas of my life. My parents are walking testimonies (yours are too). There are things they’ve been through that they would so much rather I learn about through them than through experience. They have “been there, done that,” and can share from a point of experience. That in and of itself is valuable.

2. Mentors. Mentors are great for everyone, but especially for people who don’t have parent figures or don’t want to go to parent figures. To be honest, I have multiple mentors. I call them my “spiritual mamas.” They encourage me in my relationship with God, my marriage, my parenting, the goals I have set for myself and this ministry, and every other area of life.

These should always be people you honor and respect; people you will allow to speak positively into your life. They’ll keep you accountable, they’ll be a safe haven for the personal thoughts you have to share, and they’ll help equip you to make important and difficult decisions in your life.

Most of us have mentors in our lives but they go by other titles; youth pastor, pastor, counselor, a friend’s parent, an older sibling, neighbor, grandparent, etc. Wherever you meet find them, hold onto them. You will appreciate them more than you know.

3. Girlfriends. Your girlfriends are typically the people closest to you. They know your secrets, you share with them your thoughts, they’ve met this special someone and aren’t afraid to give an honest opinion when it comes to questions about his character. They can usually point out “red flags,” like no other.

Girlfriends are often the shoulder to lean and cry on. They know what is going on before anyone else. They keep you moving, laughing, enjoying life, and pursuing your personal goals and interests. Your girlfriends won’t let you forget who you are. They will tell you when they notice your character slipping or when they feel you are compromising in areas that you shouldn’t be.

They are ALWAYS there.

Look at your relationships. Do you have a person who fits neatly in each of these categories? A girlfriend, mentor, and parent figure? Right them down and keep them close.

These are relationships that you need to nurture and protect. These are relationships that you should NOT be willing to let go of simply for the sake of a few good dates. A man who truly respects and honors you will encourage you to keep these people close.

Examples of Healthy Relationship Boundaries

• I’d love to hang out but I already made plans with my family. Let’s try for another day.
• I typically reserve Sundays for church and life groups.
• I need one day a week to connect with my family/family.
• When I’m overwhelmed the best way to support me is to give me space to talk to God and work it out.

Emotional Intimacy Boundaries

Emotional intimacy boundaries are boundaries that help you manage your thought process and feelings. In addition, they help you spot red flag behaviors in other people. Emotional boundaries are some of the hardest to protect and enforce because we only ever get half the picture.

Our words and actions are the results of a thought process that we only get a glimpse of IF someone else shares them with us. This is part of why emotional abuse in marriages is so hard to prove. There are usually underlying issues like narcissism attached to them and those can be hard to pinpoint. Poema Chronicles writes article after article explaining this in-depth.

Setting good emotional boundaries and evaluating an other’s emotional/intellectual stability requires maturity, humility, discernment, and a whole lot of self-control.

Examples of Intimacy Boundaries

• We will each take responsibility for our own actions and word choices.
• I will tell you how I feel, you tell me how you feel; at no point should either of us attempt to voice the others’ feelings for them.
• No shaming, blaming or manipulating one another
• If I’m too frustrated to speak respectfully, I usually need a few minutes to decompress.

Physical Dating Boundaries

“So, we’re dating now. What am I allowed to touch?”

I could name about a billion things wrong with that question and the framework behind it. But what concerns me is that this question is actually being asked of teenage girls in the hallways of schools and young women in workplaces. It’s even become a common first date question. Yikes! 

I say this to show you how disconnected the world is from God’s idea of an honorable relationship and how consumed the world is with our own selfish satisfaction. It does pose an interesting question though.

When you’re in a dating relationship what kind of touch is too much?

This is a decision that needs to be defined before entering into a romantic relationship. It’s also a discussion between you and the person you’re dating that needs to be had sooner rather than later. This isn’t just about sex, but it does lead to it. Physical affection is often the gateway to more intimate thoughts, desires, and touch. Few men and women, even fewer teens are postured enough to resist the temptation that touch initiates.

It always starts as a touch. It usually starts innocently. Firm physical boundaries will help you navigate the world of temptation that is awakened with physical touch.

Standing Your Ground and Enforcing Physical Boundaries

It’s far too common today for men to assume that because they are dating a beautiful girl they have full access to her body. That mentality is not only deranged but dangerous. According to the Department of Justice, over 1.5 million women were raped by an intimate partner in 2019. As large as that number is, what’s even more disheartening is that this number is derived from reported numbers only. Experts estimate only 19% of rapes are reported annually. That number is staggering. I can’t even wrap my mind around it.

Ladies, your body is yours.

No person has the right or authority to touch your body in any way you don’t consent to. Unfortunately, that truth doesn’t always deliver the safety it should. For you to best protect yourself against an uncomfortable or physically unsafe situation you’re going to have to sit down and honestly ask yourself a couple of questions:

1. What does honor look like when it comes to physical touch?
2. What choices can we make to keep us out of murky (unclear) waters?
3. How can I best communicate the intent of my boundaries with the person I am dating?
4. How will I respond when physical dating boundaries are crossed?

Not having answers to these questions increases your chances of having to make a split decision later; which means that instead of taking your time to think about what’s in your best interest, you’re likely rushing to make decisions with the heat of the moment working against you. Chances are the decision you make will be influenced by all the wrong factors. You don’t want the pressure of passion making this choice for you. These decision needs to be made with a sound mind.

Why Physical Boundaries Matter

I mentioned before, physical boundaries are about more than saving yourself for marriage. We’re playing offense here. Physical boundaries help us protect against some pretty hardcore strongholds:

A soul tie is a life-long bond created through sexual intimacy. The risk of creating a “soul tie” is huge. In marriage, this connection is great and even healthy. Outside of marriage, this connection can be dangerous. Kris Vallotton does an excellent job of explaining this in his article 7 Signs of An Unhealthy Soul Tie. If you’re unfamiliar with the dangers of a soul tie or don’t know how to identify a soul tie, his article will give you that understanding.

Another example of the unfortunate consequences that can follow physical touch is the attraction to porn or masturbation. Phylicia Masonheimer speaks about this topic often (from experience) and even wrote the book, Christian Cosmo, addressing the issue.

Nobody goes seeking an addiction to porn or masturbation. They are typically the unintended consequences of emotions and sensations we were not prepared or positioned to guard against. Most churches aren’t having honest conversations about sexuality. But the world is. They’re sharing their stance on sexuality boldly. It’s become a world view. It’s in our entertainment, education, and even being built into our economics. People are accepting it; the sad thing the world’s view of sexuality is all built on a lie. What’s even sadder, is that most Christians aren’t having the conversations that will lead people to the truth.

The truth is physical touch has consequences. It can be a beautiful thing, but it can also be a damning thing. It is our responsibility to educate ourselves ones on the reality of both.

It’s also important to note that physical boundaries include what you take in via your eyes and ears.

Examples of Physical Boundaries

• I’m comfortable with hugs and holding hands, let’s not go beyond that.
• I’m comfortable being at your home when your family is around. Otherwise, I prefer we hang out in a public space.
• We solve conflicts with our words, not our hands.
• I’m down for watching a movie, but let’s keep it PG.
• Dancing together is fun but let’s keep a clean distance between us.
• Don’t assume I’m ok with touch. If it’s outside of our norm (hugs or hand-holding, I need for you to ask permission. I’ll do the same.

Another example of personal boundaries (this one you can keep to yourself) is your clothing choices. What do you consider to be too revealing? What are you comfortable in? Be confident in your boundaries. Others may try to push them – you stand tall.

What Do You Do When Your Partner Crosses Your Boundaries?

We can not honor God while intentionally or consistently disrespecting others. Share on X

It can be really intimidating to find yourself in a situation where your boundaries are being breached. How to deal with boundaries being crossed can vary depending on a couple of things.

1. Was it intentional or accidental? When our boundaries aren’t clearly communicated we create space and opportunity for confusion. In that confusion, boundaries can be broken. If that’s the case the solution may be as simple as introducing the boundary. If the breach was intentional, consider that a red flag character issue.

2. Has this happened before? Is a pattern developing? A wise mentor once told me, “pay attention to patterns, not potential.” There are a lot of men out there who have the potential to be great partners. Potential doesn’t create trust or foster intimacy. Pay attention to who they are right now. Observe the choices they make and how they behave now. Based on what you have observed, are you dating someone with boundary issues? If the answer is yes, the wise (but often hard) next step is to take a step back and allow this person to take responsibility for the growth and change that needs to happen in them.

Spiritual, physical, and relational boundaries should not be a pain to enforce. They are standards to be honored, not battles to be fought. How others respond to your boundaries is a character check worth paying attention to.

Enforcing boundaries in relationships have a lot more to do with communication and consistency than they do force. If you are being put in a position where you have to ask how to enforce a boundary in your relationship, that should clue you in to the fact that in addition to boundary issues, there are character issues that need to be addressed. Character issues often reflect the condition of the heart and relationship with God.

We can not honor God while intentionally or consistently disrespecting others. 

When you recognize that the boundaries you put in place are not being respected; that YOU are not being respected; it’s time to say farewell. Enforcing healthy boundaries in dating relationships gives us the freedom to walk away when we need to.

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